After Thoughts

Covid has been over for awhile now.  Life is back to normal but I”m feeling that it is now that I am realizing how difficult it was to live through.  Is it PSD?

I was sitting with someone yesterday who was reminiscing about this period in time.  For them, it was difficult, they said.  “Why?”  I asked.  They responded “We couldn’t go anywhere”.  So, I dug deeper. What I found out was that this person was in a new relationship.  He was in love, he was recently retired and he had moved to his lovers family home in the country.  He had the liberty to ride his bike every day in this beautiful area called Provence and return to lounge by the pool.  He was outside, in love and relaxed with no work to think about anymore.  I was finding it difficult to see where the hardship was.

When I talked about my experience, I mentioned how isolating and alone I felt.  I got the usual response which was “Yes, but you had your daughter”.  If I had a penny for every person who said this to me, I’d be a millionaire.

Yes, my daughter was present and yes, I was there for her.  Knowing that I was there for her is what got me through every day.  Now, I don’t know if you have teenagers but I can tell you that my contact with my then 16 years old daughter was like this:

I would hear her in the morning getting ready for school and I would lie in bed listening as she walked briskly around her room, the bathroom, and the kitchen.  Quickly getting dressed, putting on her makeup and maybe, just maybe, grabbing a little something to eat.  I’d then hear the keys in the door followed by her footsteps as they ran down the stairs.  She’d reach the bottom and I would then hear the entrance door to the building slam shut.  That whole process would last about 15 minutes as my daughter didn’t leave a minute to spare between opening her eyes and making her way to the bus.  She had it all timed out and it worked for her.

You may be wondering why I didn’t wake up with her.  Well……in the beginning I did.  I was making breakfast, putting on music (softly) and chatting away.  One day, it became clear that this morning routine was more of a hinderance than a help and we decided together that I would let my daughter do her own thing in the morning.  I understood, I am not a morning person either and I understand the need to have a quiet head space.

So, once that was decided, I still woke up.  I still heard her but I left her alone.  Once I would hear that big door slam, I would often fall back to sleep.

My daughter would be at school until 5:00 which meant that by the time she arrived home in the evening it was about 6:00.  I had a long day to fill.  Alone.  Confined.

As I had moved to France to be with her because of covid, I was new to the area.  We were living in beautiful Aix en Provence but I didn’t know a soul.  I had one very nice woman who tried to bring me into the crowd.  She was my daughters best friends mother.  A true gem of a person. I will forever be grateful to her for her kindness.  I adored her but I never felt connected with the rest of the crowd.   Again, isolated.  My fault?  Perhaps.

I had a lot of time on my hands and I decided to try to build a website.  I had always wanted to do it and I remember looking in the mirror and saying to myself , “Suzanne, if you can’t do it now, you will never do it”.  I had many hours of every day and I was alone.  What else could I do?

I took a writing class, an Italian conversation class and I did one tutorial after another trying to figure out how to create the website.  I kept telling myself that I had two years to do it.  There was no rush and lots of room for error so I just plodded along.  Each little addition was a victory.  I remember sending my family my first page.  I had managed to put my name on it and I couldn’t believe that I’d figured it out.  That is how little I knew about the process.

I set up a schedule for myself.  Sort of…..

As I was’t waking up with my daughter in the morning and had literally no engagements during the day, I often woke up in the middle of the night.  This is where my day would start.  I even had coffee sometimes at 3:00 in the morning.  It was nuts!

I began to write.  I would write things in the middle of the night.  Go back to sleep and then when I’d wake up in the morning, I’d start again.  I made sure that I took my writing course every day and once that was finished I would do my best to write a story every day and try to add it to my website. My motivation was to leave something for my kids and future generations.  We were living through an historical time and I wanted to write it down.  I would get so engrossed in this that I would not see the time go by.

The morning would pass and after awhile, I’d need to move.  I put on my workout clothes and would do a workout in my tiny living room.  It was fun.  Headphones on and I’d just go for it. I love music so this would give me a boost.    I’d face towards the window where I had a sneak peak at the sky and I’d do my best to get my whole body fit.  This usually would last 40 minutes.

After the workout, I’d find something to eat and then I’d go for a walk.  During a large part of this time, we were not permitted to walk further than one kilometer and if we left the house, we needed to plug into an app (on our phones) stating where we were going and what time we left.  We had one hour, not more.  Thinking about it now, it was so weird.  As I lived in a city, they were stricter than in the countryside. The police were visible.  I think that people living in the countryside had a lot more freedom.

I would go out for my walk and I always took lots of pictures.  As I was new to Aix, I just wandered and wandered.  Always trying to find a new path, a new street and anything that I hadn’t seen before.  I would play a game with myself.  I’d purposely get lost and try to find my way home.  Of course, I always did but it was just a little challenge to get me through the time.   I couldn’t get enough of photographing this beautiful town.  The light was (and is) phenomenal.  It was extraordinary as this big town of Aix en Provence was empty.  There were no stores open, no restaurants, no people.  Nothing.  It was beautiful and eery.  I would walk and could almost hear my breath as I walked through each quiet street.  The sound of my feet as they touched the cobblestones with each step was all I could hear.  When I’d pass a fountain it was the only movement I’d see.  Flowing water with a splashing sound was sometimes the only reminder of life.  I’d often stop and stare at each fountain.  I’d imagine how many crisis’ these fountains must have seen.  How many people like myself stopped and stared during a moment of hardship.  War time, plagues, all of it.  I let my mind wander.  This ancient town had stories to tell and I’d make up scenarios in my head.

Every day was the same.  Exactly the same.  Often I would see no one.  There were days where I wouldn’t use my voice.  There was nobody to talk to.  No one to listen to.  Complete and utter silence.  Everywhere.

Once I’d made it through until mid afternoon, I’d look forward to making dinner.  This was fun as I like to cook.  In The beginning i baked a lot.  Trying to  to fill our tiny space with warmth and comfort.  The smell of cookies or cakes baking always made me feel safe.  It was my small attempt at creating a sense of normality in this oh so abnormal time.

Like breakfast, this idea got ditched.  It turned out that it was only me who loved the cookies and the cakes.  My daughter appreciated it (she’s a sweetheart) but she was much happier with Nutella cookies.  I was the only one eating the homemade goodies.  I stopped doing that too.  I stuck to making dinner.

After getting dinner ready, I’d wait for my daughter to come home.  She’d usually run in and head for the bathroom.  Always with her phone, she’d be in there for what seemed like forever.  As I hadn’t spoken all day, I was so looking forward to hearing about her day.

Once she’d finally appear, we’d chat for a few minutes and then it was off to the bedroom to do homework before we sat down to eat in an hour or so.  I followed her lead.

During this short hour I’d finish up any work I had been doing that day and I’d close it down for the evening.

We’d eat and have a nice catch up.  We had a really special relationship but I was very aware that she was a junior in high school and she needed her friends.  She never complained and it made me sad that her high school experience had been taken away by this disease.

When I say that I wasn’t really with my daughter.  People don’t understand.  Yes, we lived together but she was consumed by her little life and all I did was provide security.  Knowing I was there was her comfort.  I let her be.  This worked for us.

Some say….. she should have helped you cook, spent more time with you, been more aware.  I don’t think these comments come from anyone who’s known life with a teenager.  Also, she was my third.  I’d let go of some of the “right” ways of doing things.

She was always respectful.  I’d just say unaware.  That’s okay.  My goal was to give her a comfortable environment to “be”.  It worked.

My solitude was never something I wanted to impose on her.  She had enough to worry about.  Mainly getting her diploma which she did, successfully!

I decided to write this down as it seems that lately,  many people are reminiscing about what it was like during covid.  We all had our share of ups and downs.  I don’t think anyone can relate to each others situations.  They were all different. Many of us were thrown into being with people that we did or did not want to be with.  I think for some, this was a beautifully romantic time.  If you were in love, there were no restraints, no obligations.  No-one needed to get up for work.  There were no social obligations and it sounds to me that this was, in fact, perfect for anyone embarking on a new romance.  I am quite jealous of this.  However, saying that, it seems like many of these situations didn’t work out in the end.  Once life was back to normal, the couple didn’t work.  Oh well.  Not everyone but I’ve heard many stories like that.

For others, like me, it was a time of complete and total isolation.  Was this a bad thing?  I’m not sure.  It was difficult from the point of view that I had just recently decided to move back to my home country after 30 years.  I was newly separated from my husband and before I knew it, I was on my way back to France to be with my daughter during this bizarre time. I didn’t even have a chance to try and start my new life.  It must have been written in the stars and  I would never have done anything differently.  It was absolutely the right thing to do.

Through the loneliness, I learned a lot about myself.  In the silence I became very productive.  I did create my website.  I now have it as a resume of my life and I am hoping to perhaps make a little something out of it.  Who knows?!  During this time, I wrote a lot.  I wish I’d written more.  When I read some of the things that I wrote, I realize how much I had forgotten.   It’s amazing how the mind works.  The things that I forgot were not worth remembering but were actually interesting to look back on.  Some of the small details of every day life.  Especially during covid.  The quirky neighbors, the lockdown and being afraid to be in contact with anyone.

My memories of this time will always be of me and my daughter having a very special moment together.  Although she was in her own world, we had a lot of nice times together.  Friday night Deliveroo and watching Ted Lasso, Squid Game and the Kardashians.  We talked about a lot and I felt very fortunate to have these 2 years with my little girl.  When she left for boarding school two years previous, I felt that it was 4 years too soon so in many ways, I got to re-coop some of this time with her.  It was just the two of us and we needed each other.  Just hearing her in the other room gave me peace.  She was happy and she was safe.  That’s all I wanted.  It was easy and perfect.  She couldn’t go out because of curfews and I often thought that this was such a bizarre moment.  Usually at this age, kids are out all of the time.  There was no argument about any of this as it was imposed by the government and not from me.  It was peace in the valley.  Quite simple actually.

I aged.  I woke up from covid with 60 staring me in the face.  I feel like I lost my moment to make a new life.  I was getting too old.  I don’t feel old but the reality of how we feel and who we are are two very different things.

Where am I now?  I am still in France.  My daughter is successfully living in Amsterdam and I am now trying to figure out what I will do here.  All of my children are in Europe so for now, I am going to stay.  My husband and I are still separated, living far from each other.  I have met a very nice French man who is as French as French can be.  I am by the sea and I am trying to embrace every day and appreciate the luck that I have in this life.

It’s almost four years now since covid appeared and it’s sometimes hard to take in how much life has changed.  In my case, I was completely redirected.  I often wonder where I’d be now in my life had covid not appeared.   Would I have stayed in Florida?  I was so happy and calm there.  I really liked it but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.   

So, yes, I had my daughter with me but believe me when I tell you that my time in France during covid was an extremely lonely time.  It’s an existence that I never thought would happen to me.  I came out of it older, wiser and proud of the things I was able to achieve.

Lucky am I

January 2024

Sanary sur Mer

France